I had prayed for peace and somehow I wasn’t getting it. Months after I separated from my husband, I struggled with adjusting to my new life without him. I was having a pity party for myself and questioning God’s plan. I couldn’t understand why all of this had to happen to me. I thought, “I’m a good woman, I was a good wife, I didn’t sign up to be a single mom, how on Earth did I end up here?” Let’s be real, who gets married to the love of their life with the intent of getting a divorce? I was angry with God, I was angry with myself, I was hating my ex and I was hating the side chick who my ex allowed access to our covenant. I was just simply hurt and full of rage!
I hated the air my ex breathed and wanted to punch the life out of him every time I saw him. In fact, I went right up to him one day and told him I no longer wanted him in my home or in my space (it wouldn’t be until he almost pooped himself one day and begged to use my bathroom that I allowed him to enter my home again, lol). Yes, I’m going to be honest that I even prayed for him to hurt the way I hurt. I wanted him to feel bamboozled, insecure and grief-stricken just like me.
Adjusting to this new life meant that because we had children, there would be times that we would occupy the same space, but learning to control my emotions and words around him was tough. It felt like I was losing control over myself. I would go off on him everytime we were around each other. I’m not proud of it, but my last go off my daughters were watching. I knew I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that this was the right way! So I started holding in my feelings which also wasn’t healthy. Falling asleep at night was theeee worse, I couldn’t even sleep alone. For the first three months of our seperation my kids slept in the same bed with me. They don’t know it but I needed their comfort as much as they needed mine.
I was shutting everyone out and I wanted to be left alone. I’d literally close my curtains, crawl into my bed and cry or scream. I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I had to let go and let God, because focusing on my ex was draining; mentally and physically. One night after a crazy day at work and just being on an emotional roller coaster I got down on my knees and prayed. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed some more.
I don’t know what it was but this calming feeling came over me and I heard a voice say, “be still, but keep going.” I know that’s such an oxymoron but it makes so much sense to me now. I felt like God was sending me a message saying that I may be in a dark place but I needed to trust his process. That’s exactly what I did, I gave it to God and started focusing on my own healing. I stopped worrying about my ex, what he was doing and the apology I never received. I started communicating with him, ONLY about our kids and changed my whole mindset. This helped our communication as I started realizing you can’t control the actions of others but only how you react to them. I was calmer and growing more as a woman.
I kept it moving and started living for myself and my daughters. My prayers changed and I started having more positive thoughts. Although he broke me down, God was also slowly but shortly building me back up. He started preparing me for a greater and more powerful purpose!
Author: Renee Jackson “God does not disrupt or dismantle your life by accident. Whether you know your purpose or not, just know that God will never break you down without building you back up. Everything happening in your life, will prepare you to be a greater you. Keep on pushing sis and in time you will discover your true purpose.”