I had prayed for peace and somehow I wasn’t getting it. Months after I separated from my husband, I struggled with adjusting to my new life without him. I was having a pity party for myself and questioning God’s plan. I couldn’t understand why all of this had to happen to me. I thought, “I’m a good woman, I was a good wife, I didn’t sign up to be a single mom, how on Earth did I end up here?” Let’s be real, who gets married to the love of their life with the intent of getting a divorce? I was angry with God, I was angry with myself, I was hating my ex and I was hating the side chick who my ex allowed access to our covenant. I was just simply hurt and full of rage!
I hated the air my ex breathed and wanted to punch the life out of him every time I saw him. In fact, I went right up to him one day and told him I no longer wanted him in my home or in my space (it wouldn’t be until he almost pooped himself one day and begged to use my bathroom that I allowed him to enter my home again, lol). Yes, I’m going to be honest that I even prayed for him to hurt the way I hurt. I wanted him to feel bamboozled, insecure and grief-stricken just like me.
Adjusting to this new life meant that because we had children, there would be times that we would occupy the same space, but learning to control my emotions and words around him was tough. It felt like I was losing control over myself. I would go off on him everytime we were around each other. I’m not proud of it, but my last go off my daughters were watching. I knew I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that this was the right way! So I started holding in my feelings which also wasn’t healthy. Falling asleep at night was theeee worse, I couldn’t even sleep alone. For the first three months of our seperation my kids slept in the same bed with me. They don’t know it but I needed their comfort as much as they needed mine.
I was shutting everyone out and I wanted to be left alone. I’d literally close my curtains, crawl into my bed and cry or scream. I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I had to let go and let God, because focusing on my ex was draining; mentally and physically. One night after a crazy day at work and just being on an emotional roller coaster I got down on my knees and prayed. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed some more.
I don’t know what it was but this calming feeling came over me and I heard a voice say, “be still, but keep going.” I know that’s such an oxymoron but it makes so much sense to me now. I felt like God was sending me a message saying that I may be in a dark place but I needed to trust his process. That’s exactly what I did, I gave it to God and started focusing on my own healing. I stopped worrying about my ex, what he was doing and the apology I never received. I started communicating with him, ONLY about our kids and changed my whole mindset. This helped our communication as I started realizing you can’t control the actions of others but only how you react to them. I was calmer and growing more as a woman.
I kept it moving and started living for myself and my daughters. My prayers changed and I started having more positive thoughts. Although he broke me down, God was also slowly but shortly building me back up. He started preparing me for a greater and more powerful purpose!
Author: Renee Jackson “God does not disrupt or dismantle your life by accident. Whether you know your purpose or not, just know that God will never break you down without building you back up. Everything happening in your life, will prepare you to be a greater you. Keep on pushing sis and in time you will discover your true purpose.”
The Breakdown that Led to My Breakthrough 
When you said “God had to break [your] heart to save [your] soul!” in your first post, I felt that more than you know 🙏🏾 Thank you for sharing your testimony. Seeing it in real motion, happening in real time makes me admire you even more that I already have. Keep inspiring! ❤️
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You might not see the big picture yet but trust the process as you’ve said. God has something greater in store for you! Just remember when it feels like you can’t go on remember God said I will never leave you nor forsake you! So you are never alone!
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This blog spoke through my SOUL!
In ALL I’ve been through, I realized I became the MASTER of disguises, sadly (I smile for the camera ). Being sort of an introvert as well, I know this blog, release, testimony…truly took nothing BUT a breakthrough from our creator GOD! As the old church folk say, “Won’t he do it??!” .. Keep going. This is powerful, relatable and I’m sure it will help others along with healing and keeping the eyes and heart on GOD.
Hurt people…..HURT people.
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I love you and thank you For being courageous enough to share your story.
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Wow this spoke volumes to me for I have just gone through a similar situation and yes I, I was also angry and bitter and like you said I had to turn to Our Father God, and it’s true a peace will come over you like no other…… Your a strong lady you got this!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing I’m glad I’m not alone on this crazy roller coaster, it’s definable getting easier…
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Thank you so much for your comment. Women are resilient. You got this as well 💪🏽
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SuperMOM SuperDOPE SuperWOMAN It takes a STRONG woman to tell their story, their truth-and that is YOU!! Thank you for sharing and continue to prepare yourself for GODs PLAN. Continued blessings on your journey of peace and happiness. Single moms RULE!!
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Love this! Love YOU! for being transparent and real about life! Things happen for a reason, we don’t understand in the process but the aftermath is always the victory! You are helping yourself, and so many other women you have no idea! I look up to you and will always have your back! 💜
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You are beautiful and amazing. I’m so proud of you. You are strong and it ok to be on your knee’s sometime. Because once your down there GOD always helps you up. Your motivation pushes me. I love you lik sis keep up the great work.
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I wholeheartedly enjoyed reading this article. I applaud the author for her openness and courage.
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To this day I still struggle with the thought I didn’t sign up to do this alone….it gets very overwhelming for me…It’s like I was sold a dream…but I’m guessing my destiny is some what similar to yours my kids father not meant to join in my future chapters of life….
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. May I say you are a phenomenal woman !!! God is working on you in an amazing way. You are a true testimony😘. I cried reading your blog because I can relate in so many ways.
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Thanks so much. ❤️ All things happen for a reason, always know that
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THIS was me…it takes time…i am truly happy now…you are fighting your way toward happiness, and winning…keep fighting…love you baby cousin
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Thank you so much 😊 I love you too
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