Have you ever been so in love with someone that they could do no wrong? I’m talking about that, “90’s Hip Hop and R&B” type of love. If you’ve been there then you know that type of love is dangerous and can have you compromising yourself. This love can have you caught up and making you do some crazy things, like sacrificing your self-love and self-worth. While it may feel beautiful in the beginning, sweeping certain issues under the rug and not addressing the elephant in the room will ultimately cause you to resent your partner in the end.
I don’t know if I can truly say that my ex was a narcissist, but I can say that I explicitly remember his desire to always be right, his mockery of me when I confessed that “mentally I didn’t feel right” and the way he badgered me regarding “his issue” with my weight. I say his because ironically he’s the only one who thought I was fat after birthing two of his kids 🙂 It’s all of these things including my unhealed heart from a prior infidelity issue that led me to resent him. Believe it or not, I actually remember the day I fell out of love as a result of all of the resentment I was harboring.
My ex and I were at each other’s necks this one particular day. He would say something, and I’d say something 10 times harsher. This back and forth was becoming mentally exhausting, and in the midst of him apologizing but in the same sentence, saying “I needed to work harder to look good for him” I completely shutdown. It was at this moment that I lost all respect for the man who stood before me and realized I was no longer in love with my husband. In fact, I didn’t even like him as a person. My resentment grew and grew to the point where it manifested into anxiety. This is an unfortunate but very real side effect of allowing resentment to take a toll on you. On the outside looking in, I was happy but on the inside I was dead, and crying and praying for peace each night. I didn’t know what peace would look or feel like but I knew what I was living in, wasn’t it!
Ultimately while trying to guard my heart, I inadvertently became “neck down dead” as Iylana Vanzant puts it. I’m not sure if you’ve ever experienced this but you become numb; resisting the urge to feel, and becoming hardened as a result of the hurt and pain someone has caused you. In addition to all the issues you may experience within, resentment can have a gruesome impact on your relationship. If not addressed it creates the following: a breakdown in communication, an erosion of trust, lack of empathy or appreciation for your partner even when they are trying and the most common, faking it until you make it!
It took me a long time to get there, but I was done faking it. I started going to war for myself! I learned that resentment thrives on your negative actions, thoughts and emotions. Rather than fighting my ex and focusing on the resentment I had towards him, I started focusing on my own healing. Slowly but shortly, the anger began to subside, I released the resentment and forgave my ex. I also had to forgive myself, and take accountability for my part in the matter. In no shape or form did this process have to do with understanding my ex’s actions, but rather for me to seek the peace I was longing for and to move on gracefully.
Author: Renee Jackson Change isn’t easy, because it’s messy and confusing. But staying stuck and operating out of resentment is messier. It’s time to stop operating out of fabrication but rather authenticity. Are you ready to war for yourself?