Be Blameless: Own Your Part in the Relationship

The end of my marriage caused me to level up and grow in ways that I didn’t think was possible. It forced me and gave me the opportunity to be real with myself and hold myself accountable. The saying, “it takes two” is real and I understood it more than ever when I was alone and able to sit in my truth. I had to accept the role I played in the way  in which my marriage turned out and even ended. For quite some time I was stuck on the part my ex played and “all the things” he did or didn’t do. What that did was keep me stuck, stuck in a one-sided story! 

As I did the work and invested in my own healing my vision became clear. It allowed me to understand that my ex’s issues were no longer my burden to bear and if I was ever going to be in a healthy relationship in the future I had to first be healthy alone. For me this meant taking ownership and responsibility for my own actions. This process of taking ownership can be messy but in the end it’s so worthwhile. It not only allowed me to understand my faults but also forgive myself for them. When you know better, you do better. I now know my role in specific moments that played out in my marriage; my inability to communicate effectively ( whether it was being argumentative or shutting down all together),  not expressing my needs (settling),  my inability to forgive my ex for past issues (which somehow I often found a way to throw in his face) and criticizing my ex because of this false perception of a man that I wanted him to be (which deep down I knew he couldn’t give me).  

By taking ownership of my role in issues that occurred in my marriage, I had to accept that everyone makes mistakes, including myself.  Although the end of my marriage left me heartbroken, and it took me doing some real work to heal, I’ve always been and I’m still a lover of love. The only difference is that now I’m very clear on the mistakes I don’t ever plan on repeating in the future,  such as deflecting rather than accepting responsibility for my own faults, knowing that all disagreements don’t need to result in arguments (effective communication is key) and my unwillingness to accept misplaced blame ( making excuses for things that were no fault of my own).  

If right now you’re finding yourself in this situation, there’s four key practices that can help improve your relationship but you’ll need to make each apart of daily your routine:

  1. Honesty and self-awareness; understand that it’s not just actions that hurt people, words do as well. Be careful with what you do and say.  
  2. Being proactive rather than reactive; practice acting on the situation in a respectful manner  rather than being reactive and negative. 
  3. Openly and honestly communicate; doing so builds and maintains trust 
  4. Don’t be a grudge holder; know when to forgive yourself and your partner 

Renee_theblogger_: Healing starts with taking responsibility, responsibility for yourself and no longer blaming others. In doing so, you’re snatching your power back to change your life and setting the tone for who you will be as a partner in a healthy relationship.

Published by Renee

Who can really capture who they are in a brief summary? I'm a mother, an educator and a woman that's breaking generational curses. Those who know me would say I'm honest, genuine, and a little bit of an introvert. I'm big on integrity, so I hold true to the importance of being yourself and being straightforward. As I've matured as a woman, I've learned that many of the obstacles I faced stripped me of my voice and for so many years I was held hostage to my past. I'm currently walking into this next chapter of my life no longer afraid to speak my truth and share what healing has done for me. A wise woman once told me that all that I went through was my destiny and most importantly to help others, she said, "baby it's not about you." I didn't understand it at the time, but I've accepted the challenge of going from the wounded to the healer.

6 thoughts on “Be Blameless: Own Your Part in the Relationship

  1. Be blameless:own your part in the relationship really hit home. I too was stuck for so long on what my ex didn’t do or did. I stayed stuck in this for so long that I couldn’t move on. But I realized that it wasn’t just his fault, it was mine too because I never communicated my feelings. I felt that he should know but how so, if I never said anything. Then I found myself overwhelmed with guilt for not speaking up. I thank you and appreciate you revealing your story Because it helped me understand that I wasn’t alone. I can say now too that I have clarity on what I need and want in a relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As women once we know better we do better. Sometimes it takes God breaking our hearts to save our soul. This is my truth and it gave me clarity, and reaffirmed the integrity I needed to maintain 😊

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  2. This was spot on. I think one of the very things I did first was to accept the part I played in the break up. I’m actually still going through this process. I’m a work in progress but thank you for this sissy! #healingandrebuilding

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  3. Before I completely ended things it felt like I was trying my best. Whole time I was giving bare minimum. It was me! I checked out. I didn’t know what I wanted but I knew I didn’t want to invest another thought, second, moment with the man that I’ve grew with for the last 12-13 years. I guess even when he tried I didn’t feel, or see it simply because I had a mental block. Such a long 13 year old story. Most importantly I’m ok . I feel much more liberated slightly guilty but so alive! Most people have long explanations, I don’t. However i take accountability for the way I just checked out and left . No explanation just Out! Closed chapter.

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