Gracefully Broken

I recently read a post online in which a well-known rapper/entertainer mentioned being blindsided by his wife filing for divorce. The thought of this immediately sparked my interest as I thought it’s impossible to be blindsided by your marriage or relationship coming to an end. However, I now see how this is possible. For most women, myself included we see very early on when our marriage or relationship is in trouble. On one hand some of us ignore the signs (as we’re possibly strategizing our plan of getting out), others tend to speak to their close friends (seeking advice or an opportunity to vent), and some choose to confront their mates about these issues or seek professional help to sort out the issues. On the other hand I’ve heard a few men say it is indeed possible for a man to be blindsided by his mate wanting a divorce or wanting to end the relationship.

While I won’t go into detail about the validity of these points,  I do believe everyone deep down knows when the relationship is over! The million dollar question is whether or not you’re able to accept the end?   Everyone marries with the thought of finding their “forever,” intending for their spouse to be their life-long lover and companion but the reality of the matter is – life happens and unfortunately our plan is not always God’s plan.  I, myself have been in this position so I know the feeling of falling in love with someone and it not working out how I envisioned. We think that because our marriage or relationship has been built on respect, friendship, lust, love and/or unity that this is a forever thing. Unfortunately there is a chance that those dynamics will change.  Once there is a breakdown in any one of those dynamics, it’s usually a clear indication that your marriage or relationship is on the verge of falling apart or over. 

So how do you know your marriage or relationship is falling apart and/or over? 

• Small disagreements often escalate or result in greater arguments or long lasting conflict – disagreements are normal but when they consistently lead to screaming matches and disrespect then some reevaluation is needed
• The sight or thought of your partner changes your whole entire mood – this is an extreme circumstance but very real and most definitely indicative that the relationship is possibly over  
• Communication is ineffective, or simply doesn’t exist 
• The romance has faded and you no longer feel the desire to be intimate or have an interest in making an effort to work on any issues 
• You feel like you don’t  know who your partner is anymore- you feel like strangers to one another  
• Infidelity issues can’t be forgiven or overcome 
• Counseling or therapy is ineffective – one person or both have checked out or given up 

These are only a few signs that your relationship may be on the verge of being over. While they may not necessarily result in the end of your relationship, they are suggestive that there’s trouble in paradise and unless both parties are committed to doing the work the union has come to an end.  

Renee_theblogger_:  The decision to divorce or end a relationship  is often one of the most difficult decisions a mate has to make about the fate of their relationship. More than likely, options, choices and scenarios have already been weighed.  Thus, the decision is  almost often never sudden and  due to reasons that have been brewing for some time… a very long time!

The end of my marriage caused me to level up and grow in ways that I didn’t think was possible. It forced me and gave me the opportunity to be real with myself and hold myself accountable. The saying, “it takes two” is real and I understood it more than ever when I was alone and able to sit in my truth. I had to accept the role I played in the way  in which my marriage turned out and even ended. For quite some time I was stuck on the part my ex played and “all the things” he did or didn’t do. What that did was keep me stuck, stuck in a one-sided story! 

As I did the work and invested in my own healing my vision became clear. It allowed me to understand that my ex’s issues were no longer my burden to bear and if I was ever going to be in a healthy relationship in the future I had to first be healthy alone. For me this meant taking ownership and responsibility for my own actions. This process of taking ownership can be messy but in the end it’s so worthwhile. It not only allowed me to understand my faults but also forgive myself for them. When you know better, you do better. I now know my role in specific moments that played out in my marriage; my inability to communicate effectively ( whether it was being argumentative or shutting down all together),  not expressing my needs (settling),  my inability to forgive my ex for past issues (which somehow I often found a way to throw in his face) and criticizing my ex because of this false perception of a man that I wanted him to be (which deep down I knew he couldn’t give me).  

By taking ownership of my role in issues that occurred in my marriage, I had to accept that everyone makes mistakes, including myself.  Although the end of my marriage left me heartbroken, and it took me doing some real work to heal, I’ve always been and I’m still a lover of love. The only difference is that now I’m very clear on the mistakes I don’t ever plan on repeating in the future,  such as deflecting rather than accepting responsibility for my own faults, knowing that all disagreements don’t need to result in arguments (effective communication is key) and my unwillingness to accept misplaced blame ( making excuses for things that were no fault of my own).  

If right now you’re finding yourself in this situation, there’s four key practices that can help improve your relationship but you’ll need to make each apart of daily your routine:

1. Honesty and self-awareness; understand that it’s not just actions that hurt people, words do as well. Be careful with what you do and say.  
2. Being proactive rather than reactive; practice acting on the situation in a respectful manner  rather than being reactive and negative. 
3. Openly and honestly communicate; doing so builds and maintains trust 
4. Don’t be a grudge holder; know when to forgive yourself and your partner 

Renee_theblogger_: Healing starts with taking responsibility, responsibility for yourself and no longer blaming others. In doing so, you’re snatching your power back to change your life and setting the tone for who you will be as a partner in a healthy relationship.

Why do some people settle?

When we envision what we want in a partner, we often think about and list the qualities that we truly desire in a mate, but how often do you list the qualities that you have to offer, or at least think about them? You may have read that and thought why on Earth do I need to list the qualities I have to offer when I know what I bring to the table? Well it’s simple, knowing your worth and what you bring to the table will help you iron out your deal makers and deal breakers for your desired partner.  So many men and women go through countless failed relationships before they find someone who is genuinely for them because they have not been able to discern between settling and acceptance.  This can often be avoided if we get clear about our deal makers and deal breakers and  how these either compliment or compromise our values. 

Settling versus Acceptance

When we settle in a relationship we go against all of our beliefs and values for the sake of being in a relationship. However, acceptance is understanding that no relationship is perfect but staying in the one you’re in won’t cause you to compromise who you are or cause you harm.  Thus, you know that everyone comes with flaws but the good in your relationship is greater than any flaw  you or your partner has. People settle for various reasons but here’s a few; fear of being alone, worried about your age, pressure from friends or family (to date, get married or start a family), attraction to a specific type and most importantly lack of clarity regarding your self-worth and what you truly deserve! 

Are you ready to do the work?

Once my marriage ended I promised myself that I wouldn’t jump into a relationship for the sake of not being single. I used my time to focus on me and get clear on who I am as a woman. I often have conversations with people who tell me my standards are too high. Well, when you go through a divorce or breakup from a long-lasting relationship your standards should be high, but realistic. Let me repeat that, your standards should be high but realistic! I became clear on what I won’t settle for and what I would accept without compromising myself as a woman, mother, friend or professional. I had to really peel back layers and reveal my true authentic self. 

I had to get to know myself, and work on me. I started fixing my own toxicity, building my self-worth, beliefs and identifying what I value in a mate and what I define as the ideal relationship. I then mapped out what I would be bringing to the table and what I am looking for; in a nutshell I  became very clear on my deal makers and deal breakers ensuring that I won’t ever compromise all the work that I’ve put into the woman I’ve become.  Been there, done that and never going back! If you’re in a season of singleness, use this time to really become clear about who you are, your values and what you truly envision your ideal mate or relationship to be. Be real about what you will not and can not negotiate about just for the sake of being with someone. Always remember that only you are in control of what you accept so settling should never be an option! 

Renee_theblogger_:  Be open to the possibility of love but guard and protect yourself at all costs. Don’t ever settle for a relationship that won’t allow you to be your authentic self.  Remember that it is okay to be single, as being single is making the choice to be you,  unapologetically and without having to settle. 

Are you still wondering when this will all be over and hoping for things to go back to normal, or should I say back to the way they were before Covid-19? Well newsflash, we can’t go back! I’ll quote myself and say, “When the dust settles and this pandemic is over, things shouldn’t go back to normal. In fact, they should be better! If you’re still doing the same things, haven’t become more self-reflective, and haven’t worked on some goals then perhaps you have not used this time wisely.” Disruption is almost often never accidental, so perhaps the time for change is now. I’m encouraging you to step out of your comfort zone and get out of your own way. Too many times do we pass up on opportunities of being successful because we’re simply in our own way.

Taking risks can ultimately lead to many outcomes,  but here’s the main reasons why you should start now: 

1. First and foremost, taking risks in your career or business may seem daunting but they can also come with unlimited gains. 
2. Taking risks will help you to build and exude confidence. 
3. You can’t achieve your goals by operating out of fear or playing it safe. 
4. We live and learn- risk taking  can ultimately lead you on a successful path of great leadership and purpose. 
5. If you’re a parent, what legacy or sustainability are you leaving for your kids? 
6. Lastly, this may be our new normal so don’t wait, start now! 

While both men and women can experience apprehension at times regarding starting something new, it’s often women who experience the fear of taking risks. There are many reservations which make us fearful of taking risks; fear of failure, fear of other’s opinions, fear related to your age, and simply fear of the unknown! I’m definitely guilty of having all of these feelings at one point. In fact, fear kept me stuck for far too long. However, I had to realize that I have been delivered from some tough situations and still made it through. It is that deliverance that has cleared the path for me to get where I’m supposed to get and be who I am supposed to be. Too many people stay stuck and live their lives bondaged by fear. Don’t be that person, if you’re ever going to grow, just go for it!

Renee_theblogger_: Drop every fear and take your chances. You’ll miss 100 percent of the shots if you don’t take them but you’ll have a better chance at a successful shot if you go for it. You’ll never know how far you can go unless you keep going!

After catching up on all of the episodes to this past season of Insecure all I can say is Issa Rae, the creator is definitely Black Girl Magic at its best. Each episode this season touched upon a topic that many women like myself can relate to.  While watching each episode so much resonated with me, particularly the idea of knowing when to fix what has been broken or when it’s time to just move on! While Issa and Lawrence’s rekindled romance resonated, Issa and Molly’s broken friendship was what kept me intrigued throughout the season. 

 As a woman who is strongly committed to her friendships and the nature of sisterhood, I understood both  Molly’s and Issa’s perspectives regarding their friendship. However,  I  couldn’t understand why they weren’t fixing it or how it took being hurt by a man for them to finally commit to their sisterhood!  While both have been friends for years and have been there for one another, this season their friendship went through a breakdown in communication, Molly being torn between her  love interest and her friendship with Issa, and simply the notion of growing in different directions.  Their struggles throughout the season truly brought to light the struggles that many women face within their friendships; fights that go unresolved, someone’s feelings being hurt, lack of communication, feelings of resentment and much more. 

  Molly’s and Issa’s issues throughout this season is a reminder to all women that   friends often come into our lives for different reasons and some are only seasonal, but those friendships that are truly  meant to last most certainly will. Ironically, Molly initially didn’t want to fix her friendship with Issa but was willing to go all out for a man who in the end wasn’t willing to do the same for her? Umm!  In a world full of Molly’s and Issa’s it’s often difficult to know which friendships are worth fighting for and which ones you’ve simply outgrown. However, as women it’s important that we respect and value the girlfriend code and build up enough emotional intelligence to fix what has been broken in our friendships or sisterhood.  

Here’s some steps that may aid in in that process: 

1. First and foremost, make the discernment between whether or not the friendship is worth saving. While all friendships experience rough patches, not all friendships are meant to last, some run their course on purpose! 

2. If you have in fact decided that your friendship is worth it, work on it by talking and communicating as adults. 

3. Both parties must be willing to take ownership of the part they played in the breakdown and apologize. 

4. Commit to getting past your issues and building a stronger friendship.  

Renee_theblogger_:  Women are often too prideful or stubborn, and so easily okay with not fixing true friendships and sisterhood. Don’t be so easily content with  repeating the cycle of unresolved relationships and friendships as doing so can ultimately affect your ability to maintain healthy relationships.

By the time my ex and I had decided to divorce I had already mentally and emotionally checked out of the marriage. So for me divorce was  the next thing to do; counseling and talking didn’t work so why stay stuck in an unhappy place? I was good with the idea of an amicable divorce, and starting our next journey of a peaceful, co-parenting friendship. However, once I found out about the infidelity I was not only hurt but I was angry and felt betrayed.  I was ready to make my ex’s life a living hell! I was definitely ready to pull a Jazmine Sullivan and bust the windows out of his car! I felt like I had sacrificed so much for my marriage so he needed to hurt like I hurt. My brain became consumed with so many negative thoughts which ultimately turned into bitterness. 

Even though I wanted my ex to feel the pain I felt, I didn’t realize that the one person I was hurting the most by being bitter was  myself. If there’s any emotion to be feared it’s bitterness; it’s like a drug or a cancer and will eat away at your soul! If you’ve ever been here then I’m sure you know what this feels like. Our hearts are like gardens and the emotions and thoughts we plant will eventually grow and manifest in negative ways.  At one point in all of our lives there will be someone or something that will cause bitterness to take root and grow in our hearts, but until we cut those weeds we’ll only be harming ourselves. 

Whether we like it or not, life happens and unfortunately we are not and can never be responsible for someone’s actions or the trials that life will throw at us. However, what we can control is our own toxicity (yes, being bitter is toxic). We have the power to control how we choose to deal with the trials and the pain inflicted upon us!

Once I became real with myself, and admitted I needed to work on my brokenness, bitterness and toxicity I became much happier, and my blessings started to overflow.

The following helped me, hopefully it can help you too: 

1. Understand that you’re human, give yourself permission to feel, grow and heal from your hurt and bitterness.  

2. Know that aside from all the negativity, there’s some great things or great people in your life. Find solace and gratitude in the things or people who are positive entities in your life. 

3. Don’t be afraid to spend some time alone for self-care or for a much needed reset! 

4. Understand that not everyone can heal on their own, seek professional help if needed. 

5. Whenever those negative thoughts or feelings resurface, contemplate on how far you’ve come and make a list of reasons why your healing matters! 

Renee_theblogger_: Bitterness is like a drug or a cancerous tumor. Once it takes root, it will eventually spread like a wildfire and eat away at your soul. As soon as you feel the bitterness spreading, uproot it and sow the seeds of something more positive.

At the earliest stages of our lives, we are taught that if we hurt someone or offend them we should say, “I’m sorry.” Saying sorry is a form of an apology, but also the acknowledgement that we have wronged or hurt someone. We were taught this, even if we truly didn’t understand why we were apologizing or whether or not we meant it! As we grow older you would think this gets easier to do but it actually becomes more complex, especially when we never receive the apology that we believe that we deserve. I’m going to be brutally honest and say, if you are waiting for someone to apologize to you then chances are you’re stuck, and will be until you realize they’re not going to apologize! 

Unfortunately the person or people you’re expecting this from may not even realize they’ve hurt you, or may not even care! These are hard truths but coming to terms with these will help you move on from the thought of what you think you deserve. I’ll use myself as an example, although it has been a few years since my ex husband and I separated, I’m still dealing with disrespect in different aspects. While it isn’t blatant, the disrespect is definitely there. Am I tired of it? Do I want to get disrespectful? Yes and yes, but what good would that do? I often hear, I don’t know how you do it, well let me tell you how. 

For me it wasn’t easy. It took a lot of prayer and a lot of guidance but here’s what I had to realize: 

1. Hurt people often hurt people and I can’t be responsible for anyone else’s actions. I can only be responsible for my own and how I choose to respond (if I choose to at all).

2. Not everyone has developed the mental or emotional capacity to know or own up to when they’ve wronged or offended someone. This takes growth that for many will take years to develop.

3. We can not measure our happiness, peace or fulfillment by an apology. Waiting on one will leave you stuck!

4. While getting that heartfelt apology may be great, what exactly would getting it change? Closure comes from within not a simple apology. Let that sink in for a bit!

Renee_theblogger_:  While getting the apology you think you deserve may give you a temporary feeling of relief, your healing and the feelings you’re harboring is on you!  You may never get the apology you want but use the situation as a lesson and move on. Let it go and make room for your blessings.

The year is 2020 but it is definitely mirroring the 1950’s and 1960’s. If you thought for a second that Black people came a long way then you are sadly mistaken. In fact, we aren’t many generations removed since oppression was inflicted on our ancestors. In school we learned all about the beginning of slavery, how it ended and what happened after. However, as I got older and started to educate myself and pay attention to what was happening in the world around me I realized that this country has found other ways to oppress us. My first realization came during the Rodney King trial.  I can remember being an 8 year old girl watching the video over and over of this Black man being pulled out of the car, kicked and repeatedly being beaten. I can remember conversations adults were having about their lack of faith in the system but for me it was a no brainer that these cops were going to jail. When people commit such acts of violence they are punished right? Wrong! Their acquittal taught me my first lesson about racial and economic disparities between our race and others.  I also couldn’t understand why my mother was teaching my brother what to do when he would be stopped by the police, so that he could make it back home alive ( not if he were ever stopped but when).  

Years later this vicious cycle continued to repeat itself, Black men being brutalized, beaten and killed at the hands of authorities taking advantage of power the law has bestowed upon them.  This is a war that’s not only about race but  also about justice that for years and years Black people haven’t received.  You don’t have to get out and protest but your silence at this point is your agreenance with our flawed system.  This system has failed so many ; Sean Bell,  Philando Castile,  Alton Sterling,  Trayvon Martin,  Eric Garner, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and so many more.  Nothing has changed but the year! 

Renee_theblogger_:  Black men and even women have continued to be brutalized and murdered in front of our very own eyes. Enough is enough, and we’re tired! We can’t keep sitting and waiting for justice. Sometimes it has to be demanded, but let’s unite and do it the right way, the smart way!