Gracefully Broken

We’re one week down  with 51 more weeks to go until 2022! I know that seems like a lot of time but  if there’s one thing that 2020 has taught me, it’s definitely that time will never stop for anyone. Like most, I entered 2020 feeling like I was going to crush my goals and find my happy place. 2020 however, definitely had other plans! In 2020 I lost loved ones, gained love and even lost love! Furthermore, it was definitely a year of awakening for me. It made me more conscious, made me uncomfortable and caused me to be much more intentional. I started feeling this unsettling feeling in my spirit that the universe was calling me to elevate in ways that I’ve never done before.  I had to really quiet the noise, sit down and strategically plan out the next chapter in life. 

My singleness left an uncertainty that I think most women experience when they go through a breakup or a divorce. I had done the work to heal the hurt  but there was still a void I was feeling.  I started thinking about all of the obstacles that have been thrown at me in my past and how I’ve never let them deter me from doing what I wanted to do. Once I started reflecting upon my accomplishments I knew God was calling me to woman up and level up. That unsettling feeling I was feeling was on purpose. I had to recognize that at this point in my life, the only person I’m in competition with right now is myself! In order to walk into this next chapter of my life that I’m authoring, I had to be real with myself, be intentional and take accountability. 

  Every year people set resolutions at the start of the New Year, starting the year off strong and by the 2nd quarter of the year they fall back into old habits and/or forget about their resolutions altogether. For this reason, I had to do things a bit different. I made a  commitment to myself to make this year the year that I truly focus on me and some very realistic and attainable goals that I know are achievable if I remain consistent, hold myself accountable and commit to not allowing anyone or anything to throw me off of my game. So weeks before 2021 rolled around I did the following: 

1. Wrote a letter to myself asking for forgiveness, grace and mercy and recommitting to putting myself first ( sometimes as women we’re so quick to forgive others and commit to them but we don’t do this for ourselves. We have to be okay with knowing that no one is perfect and although we may get knocked down, staying down is not an option). 
2. Redesigned and revised my Goal board ( I know most people create vision boards and set resolutions, but I couldn’t do that this year). In the past I’ve always created “cute” vision boards that were unrealistic. I simply looked at what I dreamed of but never took any actionable steps to attain them. However, any goal I’ve set for myself in the past I’ve always accomplished. So this year I set three very realistic goals with a plan on how I’ll hold myself accountable to accomplish them. 
3. Lastly, I cut off some people and things that aren’t  destined to move with me into this next chapter of my life. As we get older we often don’t understand why we aren’t receiving our blessings or why things aren’t working the way we want them to. That’s because we block our blessings when we hold space for things and people who we shouldn’t hold space for.  Well, always remember that some people and things are seasonal. Be okay with letting go of what isn’t serving you any purpose. 

I’m interested in hearing your goals and your plan to accomplish them  so don’t forget to like, comment and share. Follow me on instagram @renee_theblogger_

Renee_theblogger_:  That unsettling feeling in your spirit and your situation becoming uncomfortable is on purpose. When it’s time for you to take accountability and be intentional that’s your call to move. Disruption is never accidental! 

The holiday season is generally and historically known as a time of joy, love, and family, but for many people it’s a time that will catch you slipping; caught  sitting in our feelings,  self-sabotaging, getting caught up in situationships and/or forcing connections (romantic, friendships, and family) that are no longer meant for us. I get dms and hit up all the time about how I’m speaking truth and how what I’m sharing is what someone is going through but they’re just afraid to admit it. Well, I’m never going to write about or speak on anything that I myself have not lived through and made it out of!  I know personally that by sharing my experiences I’m helping someone else. 

The holiday season is especially rough for me as I’ve suffered a lot of loss and if I’m not careful my thoughts will have me stuck in my feelings. However, as I reflect on my life I know that God has never put me through something that he hasn’t  carried me through! I hope this makes sense to you. While I’m past the stage of loneliness and I can truly enjoy being alone, who honestly wants to be alone? Well, if it comes at the expense of my happiness or my peace I’m definitely passing on any connection. 

As I get older I’ve learned that everyone who starts with me no matter what season I’m in at the moment isn’t always going to finish with me. I’m never lowering my standards and if something isn’t contributing to my peace, I’m no longer afraid to walk away! For example, when I first began having feelings of walking away from my marriage I was terrified! I was with this man for so long, and I became complacent. I kept praying to God to guide me and give me a sign. Well, at the time I didn’t understand that God was giving me signs; he allowed this man to continue to break my heart over and over until I felt empty inside. It wasn’t until I had nothing else to give did I truly understand that by fighting to keep something that was no longer for me, I was blocking my own blessings. Same holds true for a situationship I found myself in. I knew from the beginning this man wasn’t for me but I continued to repeat the cycle and tried to teach this man to be the man I needed him to be. While I’ll always have love for him, I love myself more. I had to realize that by staying I was reneging on all the healing that I had done to get to the place I am now. Letting go was what I needed to do! 

It’s no doubt that women are nurturers at heart so we get so caught up with pouring into others. Unfortunately as we’re consumed with  pouring into others we forget to pour into ourselves. In the end we end up empty, feeling depleted and defeated. Most recently I had to recommit to focusing on me (truth be told I got caught slipping, slipping into an old pattern of trying to maintain a connection that wasn’t for me).  I realized that where I went wrong in praying for a man was praying to God for a man. I hope you caught that gem! Use this season to be still, and focus on you, your goals and your own happiness. Everything else will fall into place when it’s supposed to. 

I’m interested in hearing your thoughts so don’t forget to like, comment and share. Follow me on instagram @renee_theblogger_

Renee_theblogger_:  Some of us are so full of love and commitment for others that we forget about ourselves. Don’t be so committed to others that you forget to show up for yourself.  Make the rest of your life the best of your life. Show up and Show out!

I recently read a post online in which a well-known rapper/entertainer mentioned being blindsided by his wife filing for divorce. The thought of this immediately sparked my interest as I thought it’s impossible to be blindsided by your marriage or relationship coming to an end. However, I now see how this is possible. For most women, myself included we see very early on when our marriage or relationship is in trouble. On one hand some of us ignore the signs (as we’re possibly strategizing our plan of getting out), others tend to speak to their close friends (seeking advice or an opportunity to vent), and some choose to confront their mates about these issues or seek professional help to sort out the issues. On the other hand I’ve heard a few men say it is indeed possible for a man to be blindsided by his mate wanting a divorce or wanting to end the relationship.

While I won’t go into detail about the validity of these points,  I do believe everyone deep down knows when the relationship is over! The million dollar question is whether or not you’re able to accept the end?   Everyone marries with the thought of finding their “forever,” intending for their spouse to be their life-long lover and companion but the reality of the matter is – life happens and unfortunately our plan is not always God’s plan.  I, myself have been in this position so I know the feeling of falling in love with someone and it not working out how I envisioned. We think that because our marriage or relationship has been built on respect, friendship, lust, love and/or unity that this is a forever thing. Unfortunately there is a chance that those dynamics will change.  Once there is a breakdown in any one of those dynamics, it’s usually a clear indication that your marriage or relationship is on the verge of falling apart or over. 

So how do you know your marriage or relationship is falling apart and/or over? 

• Small disagreements often escalate or result in greater arguments or long lasting conflict – disagreements are normal but when they consistently lead to screaming matches and disrespect then some reevaluation is needed
• The sight or thought of your partner changes your whole entire mood – this is an extreme circumstance but very real and most definitely indicative that the relationship is possibly over  
• Communication is ineffective, or simply doesn’t exist 
• The romance has faded and you no longer feel the desire to be intimate or have an interest in making an effort to work on any issues 
• You feel like you don’t  know who your partner is anymore- you feel like strangers to one another  
• Infidelity issues can’t be forgiven or overcome 
• Counseling or therapy is ineffective – one person or both have checked out or given up 

These are only a few signs that your relationship may be on the verge of being over. While they may not necessarily result in the end of your relationship, they are suggestive that there’s trouble in paradise and unless both parties are committed to doing the work the union has come to an end.  

Renee_theblogger_:  The decision to divorce or end a relationship  is often one of the most difficult decisions a mate has to make about the fate of their relationship. More than likely, options, choices and scenarios have already been weighed.  Thus, the decision is  almost often never sudden and  due to reasons that have been brewing for some time… a very long time!

The end of my marriage caused me to level up and grow in ways that I didn’t think was possible. It forced me and gave me the opportunity to be real with myself and hold myself accountable. The saying, “it takes two” is real and I understood it more than ever when I was alone and able to sit in my truth. I had to accept the role I played in the way  in which my marriage turned out and even ended. For quite some time I was stuck on the part my ex played and “all the things” he did or didn’t do. What that did was keep me stuck, stuck in a one-sided story! 

As I did the work and invested in my own healing my vision became clear. It allowed me to understand that my ex’s issues were no longer my burden to bear and if I was ever going to be in a healthy relationship in the future I had to first be healthy alone. For me this meant taking ownership and responsibility for my own actions. This process of taking ownership can be messy but in the end it’s so worthwhile. It not only allowed me to understand my faults but also forgive myself for them. When you know better, you do better. I now know my role in specific moments that played out in my marriage; my inability to communicate effectively ( whether it was being argumentative or shutting down all together),  not expressing my needs (settling),  my inability to forgive my ex for past issues (which somehow I often found a way to throw in his face) and criticizing my ex because of this false perception of a man that I wanted him to be (which deep down I knew he couldn’t give me).  

By taking ownership of my role in issues that occurred in my marriage, I had to accept that everyone makes mistakes, including myself.  Although the end of my marriage left me heartbroken, and it took me doing some real work to heal, I’ve always been and I’m still a lover of love. The only difference is that now I’m very clear on the mistakes I don’t ever plan on repeating in the future,  such as deflecting rather than accepting responsibility for my own faults, knowing that all disagreements don’t need to result in arguments (effective communication is key) and my unwillingness to accept misplaced blame ( making excuses for things that were no fault of my own).  

If right now you’re finding yourself in this situation, there’s four key practices that can help improve your relationship but you’ll need to make each apart of daily your routine:

1. Honesty and self-awareness; understand that it’s not just actions that hurt people, words do as well. Be careful with what you do and say.  
2. Being proactive rather than reactive; practice acting on the situation in a respectful manner  rather than being reactive and negative. 
3. Openly and honestly communicate; doing so builds and maintains trust 
4. Don’t be a grudge holder; know when to forgive yourself and your partner 

Renee_theblogger_: Healing starts with taking responsibility, responsibility for yourself and no longer blaming others. In doing so, you’re snatching your power back to change your life and setting the tone for who you will be as a partner in a healthy relationship.

Why do some people settle?

When we envision what we want in a partner, we often think about and list the qualities that we truly desire in a mate, but how often do you list the qualities that you have to offer, or at least think about them? You may have read that and thought why on Earth do I need to list the qualities I have to offer when I know what I bring to the table? Well it’s simple, knowing your worth and what you bring to the table will help you iron out your deal makers and deal breakers for your desired partner.  So many men and women go through countless failed relationships before they find someone who is genuinely for them because they have not been able to discern between settling and acceptance.  This can often be avoided if we get clear about our deal makers and deal breakers and  how these either compliment or compromise our values. 

Settling versus Acceptance

When we settle in a relationship we go against all of our beliefs and values for the sake of being in a relationship. However, acceptance is understanding that no relationship is perfect but staying in the one you’re in won’t cause you to compromise who you are or cause you harm.  Thus, you know that everyone comes with flaws but the good in your relationship is greater than any flaw  you or your partner has. People settle for various reasons but here’s a few; fear of being alone, worried about your age, pressure from friends or family (to date, get married or start a family), attraction to a specific type and most importantly lack of clarity regarding your self-worth and what you truly deserve! 

Are you ready to do the work?

Once my marriage ended I promised myself that I wouldn’t jump into a relationship for the sake of not being single. I used my time to focus on me and get clear on who I am as a woman. I often have conversations with people who tell me my standards are too high. Well, when you go through a divorce or breakup from a long-lasting relationship your standards should be high, but realistic. Let me repeat that, your standards should be high but realistic! I became clear on what I won’t settle for and what I would accept without compromising myself as a woman, mother, friend or professional. I had to really peel back layers and reveal my true authentic self. 

I had to get to know myself, and work on me. I started fixing my own toxicity, building my self-worth, beliefs and identifying what I value in a mate and what I define as the ideal relationship. I then mapped out what I would be bringing to the table and what I am looking for; in a nutshell I  became very clear on my deal makers and deal breakers ensuring that I won’t ever compromise all the work that I’ve put into the woman I’ve become.  Been there, done that and never going back! If you’re in a season of singleness, use this time to really become clear about who you are, your values and what you truly envision your ideal mate or relationship to be. Be real about what you will not and can not negotiate about just for the sake of being with someone. Always remember that only you are in control of what you accept so settling should never be an option! 

Renee_theblogger_:  Be open to the possibility of love but guard and protect yourself at all costs. Don’t ever settle for a relationship that won’t allow you to be your authentic self.  Remember that it is okay to be single, as being single is making the choice to be you,  unapologetically and without having to settle. 

Are you still wondering when this will all be over and hoping for things to go back to normal, or should I say back to the way they were before Covid-19? Well newsflash, we can’t go back! I’ll quote myself and say, “When the dust settles and this pandemic is over, things shouldn’t go back to normal. In fact, they should be better! If you’re still doing the same things, haven’t become more self-reflective, and haven’t worked on some goals then perhaps you have not used this time wisely.” Disruption is almost often never accidental, so perhaps the time for change is now. I’m encouraging you to step out of your comfort zone and get out of your own way. Too many times do we pass up on opportunities of being successful because we’re simply in our own way.

Taking risks can ultimately lead to many outcomes,  but here’s the main reasons why you should start now: 

1. First and foremost, taking risks in your career or business may seem daunting but they can also come with unlimited gains. 
2. Taking risks will help you to build and exude confidence. 
3. You can’t achieve your goals by operating out of fear or playing it safe. 
4. We live and learn- risk taking  can ultimately lead you on a successful path of great leadership and purpose. 
5. If you’re a parent, what legacy or sustainability are you leaving for your kids? 
6. Lastly, this may be our new normal so don’t wait, start now! 

While both men and women can experience apprehension at times regarding starting something new, it’s often women who experience the fear of taking risks. There are many reservations which make us fearful of taking risks; fear of failure, fear of other’s opinions, fear related to your age, and simply fear of the unknown! I’m definitely guilty of having all of these feelings at one point. In fact, fear kept me stuck for far too long. However, I had to realize that I have been delivered from some tough situations and still made it through. It is that deliverance that has cleared the path for me to get where I’m supposed to get and be who I am supposed to be. Too many people stay stuck and live their lives bondaged by fear. Don’t be that person, if you’re ever going to grow, just go for it!

Renee_theblogger_: Drop every fear and take your chances. You’ll miss 100 percent of the shots if you don’t take them but you’ll have a better chance at a successful shot if you go for it. You’ll never know how far you can go unless you keep going!

After catching up on all of the episodes to this past season of Insecure all I can say is Issa Rae, the creator is definitely Black Girl Magic at its best. Each episode this season touched upon a topic that many women like myself can relate to.  While watching each episode so much resonated with me, particularly the idea of knowing when to fix what has been broken or when it’s time to just move on! While Issa and Lawrence’s rekindled romance resonated, Issa and Molly’s broken friendship was what kept me intrigued throughout the season. 

 As a woman who is strongly committed to her friendships and the nature of sisterhood, I understood both  Molly’s and Issa’s perspectives regarding their friendship. However,  I  couldn’t understand why they weren’t fixing it or how it took being hurt by a man for them to finally commit to their sisterhood!  While both have been friends for years and have been there for one another, this season their friendship went through a breakdown in communication, Molly being torn between her  love interest and her friendship with Issa, and simply the notion of growing in different directions.  Their struggles throughout the season truly brought to light the struggles that many women face within their friendships; fights that go unresolved, someone’s feelings being hurt, lack of communication, feelings of resentment and much more. 

  Molly’s and Issa’s issues throughout this season is a reminder to all women that   friends often come into our lives for different reasons and some are only seasonal, but those friendships that are truly  meant to last most certainly will. Ironically, Molly initially didn’t want to fix her friendship with Issa but was willing to go all out for a man who in the end wasn’t willing to do the same for her? Umm!  In a world full of Molly’s and Issa’s it’s often difficult to know which friendships are worth fighting for and which ones you’ve simply outgrown. However, as women it’s important that we respect and value the girlfriend code and build up enough emotional intelligence to fix what has been broken in our friendships or sisterhood.  

Here’s some steps that may aid in in that process: 

1. First and foremost, make the discernment between whether or not the friendship is worth saving. While all friendships experience rough patches, not all friendships are meant to last, some run their course on purpose! 

2. If you have in fact decided that your friendship is worth it, work on it by talking and communicating as adults. 

3. Both parties must be willing to take ownership of the part they played in the breakdown and apologize. 

4. Commit to getting past your issues and building a stronger friendship.  

Renee_theblogger_:  Women are often too prideful or stubborn, and so easily okay with not fixing true friendships and sisterhood. Don’t be so easily content with  repeating the cycle of unresolved relationships and friendships as doing so can ultimately affect your ability to maintain healthy relationships.